Joy is an internal state despite external circumstances, a gift directly from abiding in the presence of Christ. What happens when that is stolen? When it's actually a choice to have joy, because your time before the throne is actually spent wailing in pain, anger, and confusion?
I finally admitted I was angry round 'bout October. It's a heavy burden... to fake the smile, to respond in grace when you want to yell in anger, to humbly walk away when you have some choice words you want to say. If I have learned anything during 2016, it is that I will never regret two things:
I'll never regreat responding in graciousness instead of anger.
I'll never regret saying "I love you."
Texas got me through these first few months. I am grateful for Texas, for distance, for college, and for best friends. Most of all, I am grateful for a Savior who is involved, walking step-by-step with me, breathing for me when I feel as though I may suffocate. As Emily Freeman puts it, "We have a God who sees and cares and notices. He will not come undone. He remains un-overwhelmed."
Is that not freeing? One burden I have lived under is the constraint: Don't be a "needy" girl. But through this pain, I have desperate and deep needs. And I am standing on the truth that my God meets those needs. I don't just say that as a band-aid, feel good saying... I am saying it because I have experienced it to be true, and if it hadn't been, I would have given up a long time ago.
People said after the funeral there would be closure, so I cried out to God and begged, If it be Your will and Your time, put my shattered heart back together!
Sometimes God says no, sometimes He says wait, and sometimes He says yes. He said yes; He is still saying yes. He healed, and is continuing to heal, restore, and strengthen.
Don't give up. Healing happens.
1 Peter 5:8-10