I have cried and begged and prayed and generally been in turmoil about my college decision. Currently, as I type, I feel pretty peaceful. But sometimes I am gripped with an overwhelming and irrational fear that I cannot go back, no matter what. I can't. I won't. No.
Those times of fear I can't really explain. I suppose it's anxiety or panic taking over, two things that are the opposite of the Peace that Christ died to give me.
One event this semester sticks out to me more than any other: midnight worship. It's held at actual midnight at a local church in Abilene, and yes, that's way too late for me to be up. I fell asleep at it at one point.
However, before falling asleep, the Lord brought me face-to-face with a truth that I had tried to bury and deny for months. Like the feeling after extracting a deep splinter, it hurt but it also was sweet relief. The splinter-lie was finally out, leaving an open wound in its place. Being left holding an open-truth-wound still hurts, though, because it's exposed. Vulnerable. And the Lord has bandaged it, but it's not healed yet.
Constantly I cry for wisdom, discernment, patience, and trust. He has my best interests at heart, but sometimes waiting on His timing feels like He is withholding what I so desperately want just because He can.
That's not the character of my God, though -- "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17) He does not change. He gives good gifts.
I will wait.
I will be still.
Because Jesus said so.
I know He hears me… because He is at work all around me. He answers prayers right and left. He pours out blessing.
But there’s this secret hope, personal dream that I keep presenting to Him, only to return empty.
For those of you who know me well, you know that my biggest pet-peeve is ungratefulness. Complaining is literally the quickest way to get on my nerves. So imagine the difficulty I had when the Lord quietly convicted me of an ungrateful attitude, of the bitterness in heart and spirit I was carrying. God, I don’t know how to get rid of it. I think only You can. Please help me.
I need to join Christ’s disciples in Luke 11.
“Lord, teach us how to pray, just as John taught his disciples.”
He said to them, “When you pray, say:
“ ‘ Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.’ “
Then he said to them, “Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.’
“Then the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man’s boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs.
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
“Which of you fathers, if your sons asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
Considering that we get the Holy Spirit when we accept Christ, it’s the greatest gift we can get. I think we can always have more, though, because there’s always more of God. More of His character and more of His ways.
This weekend, I’m heading to Atlanta, Georgia, for the Passion retreat for young adults. God made it clear that this is His will for me during this Christmas break. Please show up, Jesus, in a mighty, mighty way in my life. I need You to. I need a touch, an encouragement, please Lord. Maybe it’s selfish, but I want You. I want You to see me, talk to me, notice me… I NEED more of You. I need Your anointing and Your guidance and Your clarity. Give me a focused heart, mind, and spirit, sensitive to the things of God and not distracted. Give me more of You, more of Your Holy Spirit, this weekend. I need peace and contentment, because I'm weary of crying and weary of worrying. In Jesus’ Name I ask, so be it.